If we don’t change, nothing changes.
Not too long ago I decided to make a couple of life-changing decisions in my life. Why? I can’t exactly tell you the exact reason or impulse. I believe it is a feeling that approaches, which doesn’t go away. The feeling of needing to change something and I got frustrated quite a lot over a couple of things and especially that I couldn’t pin down that feeling right away.
THE FEELING OF CHANGE
The feeling revealed itself being the feeling of being not conscious enough over the past couple of years – of not living in the moment. I know I did, as far as I can reflect, but not as much as I should, maybe? ‘But living in the moment … What does that even mean?’ I asked myself a lot. Living in the moment always has to do with feeling good and feeling good has to do with being good – in my opinion.
Of course ‘being and feeling good’ is living up to personal standards and hopes and dreams every individual has – so I got further into that question which I asked myself over and over again. ‘Who am I? Who do I want to be? And what do I want to do with my life?’ I did ask myself those questions years ago and I often asked myself those questions over the time ever since.
For myself ‘being and feeling good’ is the result of being kind to myself, but also being kind to other human beings. But that still just didn’t feel enough. It just didn’t. Being good and being kind also has to do with being kind to all earthlings and doing no harm. If you’re interested in my blogpost on veganism – an attitude to life – click here. Going vegan was the biggest life-changer for me so far.
LIVE AND LEARN
I was always raised kind-hearted, given the values of trusting people, being open-minded, not judgemental and learning what love truly means. I’ve been raised to care about my own physical and psychological health and how close these two actually are connected. I was raised to make important decisions (which are not always easy), to accomodate if it’s arrangable with my own needs and goals, but I was also taught to say ‘no’ and to set boundaries.
I was raised to care about my body from the outside and my soul on the inside and to care about other people as well as about being kind and loving to animals. I cared about my pets as far as it was possible and practicable, when they were still with me. I also learned through them, what love means and sadly what suffering means. I learned what unbearable loss means and what ‘having to let go’ means – and I learnt what it means, if you have to make decisions over life and death. I learned pure heartbreak, but I learned joy and gratefulness again.
THE CHOICES WE MAKE EACH DAY
You think you know everything when you grow up. Truth is – you never know life until it’s over. So all the choices we make each day, we should make consciously and still we’ll learn something each day if we’re open to it. If it’s what we eat or do on a daily basis, who we want to be with, where we work at and on what we work on. We are here to make mistakes, but we are also here to learn from our mistakes or the mistakes of others. Or let’s better say: through own experiences and experiences of others. So much is given to us, it’s our turn to give something back.
That feeling of needing to change something – it also reflected on the work I do. Not my employed job, which I love very much and enjoy each day and I know I’m super lucky to feel that way, but the job I do actually before I go to work and when I get home at night: my freelance designer job.
I was afraid it could actually mean a 50 % chance of realizing that I am sick of it all.
I found myself looking at it from afar, asking myself what I want to do with it. And I didn’t see the answer right away, because I didn’t want to answer myself that question, as I was afraid it could actually mean a 50 % chance of realizing that I don’t want to do it anymore. And to be honest, that would have crushed me. The funny thing was on one hand I kind of knew I couldn’t and I wouldn’t stop, because design and illustrations means everything to me and is such a huge part of me and my heart that I just couldn’t let it go – for nothing in the world. But on the other hand I was scared that I was sick of it, the regular payments every freelancer faces, the stress, the commitment, the edeavors, and so on. I was scared that I was sick of it all, for good.
MONEY CAN’T BUY HAPPINESS
Money is a form of appreciation of the time and effort put into something, but it doesn’t make me happy.
I realized I don’t only do it for the money. I realized I don’t even want to do it for the money. I always knew that. Of course money is the appreciation and the time and effort I put into something, but I didn’t get raised to only do things for money. Money cannot buy happiness. I couldn’t care less of it, if I wouldn’t need it and by needing it also appreciate plays a role in this play – to be honest. Its nice to have it in order to having the possibility of spending it on art stuff and therefore having more opportunities of working different ways or to travel and to get inspired differently through different cultures and experiences. That’s how I see it.
So I thought to myself – if I’m not doing it for the money, what am I doing it for? For fun? Is fun worth the work I have on top of the work I do for myself and my employed work. Is it THAT much fun really? No. It’s not. I had to admit that to myself. I guess you can see now the dilemma I was in. I had no fucking idea what I was going to do. I just knew I didn’t want to draw and to design just because. I didn’t want to give up why I’ve been working on for the past 3.5 years either. I didn’t want to give up on all, what caused a lot of struggles and nervous breakdowns I had to go through last year. This just couldn’t be it. I wouldn’t let it.
I want to change myself in a way to work towards a change in this world. A kind of activism. My kind of activism.
I needed to make decisions, which meant there were going to be changes ahead. Changes are good, but the thrill of a change sometimes scares me. I was lost for a couple of days and then it came to me: I want to change myself in a way to work towards a change in this world. Achieving at least a small kind of change among people around me, by transporting information and kind of views on things, with what I do – THIS truly makes me happy. I love doing graphics and illustrations with a deeper meaning and a strong statement – I always have. The visualization of messages in a direct and indirect way make them exciting and look nicely so people are drawn to it. I want to transport an active message on earth-friendly products. Yes, this is like some kind of activism – MY kind of activism.
So I changed … and I changed for good and I didn’t even realize that I already changed by figuring myself out. And when I changed, I felt the energy back, the inspiration in my heart and the motivation rushing through veins into my hands. The moment I realized that I was on the right track again – MY track – I realized that in order to change something, we need to change something. And that change is a good thing.
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Credits: The photos of this blogpost were taken by Kunterbunt Fotografie in Sintra, Portugal in April 2018. In cooperation with Körbchen supporting us with their beautifully designed and hand-made bralettes. The hair was done by amazing Nadine Hochwieser and the make up by talented Kirschundkern. Here’s the whole series ‘Forgotten Floweries’.